Recently we prayed to expand our family. As many of you know God has answered that prayer with a big ol' yes! We are blessed to be expecting a baby girl. Though that has turned funny peculiar. She has some issues that will need to be fixed after she is born. Here comes the roller coaster ride again.
In church on Sunday I barely held it together due to the fact I was plagued by scary thoughts. We are still waiting on test results from the recent PET scan. Dr. Gloom went out of town. grrrr. Last week Zion wasn't himself, not eating much, emotional and grumpy. Just off. ( Maybe he was having sympathy pains for me) ;)
As I fretted about him the thought came, " what if the melanoma IS in his organs? Maybe that's why he's off." What if the cancer comes back, what if my baby dies too early?? AHHH!! Before you get all Judgey Mc Judgerson on me, you try dealing with these thoughts EVERY DAMN DAY and see how well you fair. I swear it really is a minute by minute taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ for me. Some days it's only an hour by hour thing. Most days I do well and know God is good, even if Zion goes Home before I'm ready. But 4 months pregnant and hormonal isn't helpful.
Then there is the news about Selah, our baby. Ok so it's not fatal. Yippee!! That is awesome news. But once again there are those pesky thoughts, planted, BTW by the doctors. They of course have to tell you the worst case because, well, I don't know, they'd never get a chance to be negative? :-) Things like, she could die because after all any child that has an issue of any kind could die. Or other pleasant things like she could have heart issues, from a tiny hole to major fatal surgery needed but not helpful heart issues. Because once again if a baby has issues, that also might happen. Swell.
So you can probably see at times I might get a little crazy brain and lose it singing in church about how good and powerful and mighty God is. Yes I know all of this. I believe every single bit of it. My worries and frets have nothing to do with a lack of faith. Cuz here's why, crappy things happen everyday to people with great faith. We live in a fallen world where things unsavory happen. My frets are about " how will I deal with any or all of this?" Particularly with baby Selah. She'll likely be in the hospital for 2 weeks, in Dallas. I have 4 other people I love hanging out with, I don't live in Dallas and oh we home school. Eek. Oh and a newborn having major surgery doesn't sound inexpensive.
So there it is. The bad and ugly of Jen Weir's brain. I hate that I can't just sail through whatever is thrown at me and not worry. There are so many unknown variables in my life right now. To a born planner that is terrifically hard. I trust Jesus more than anyone reading this will ever know. I believe He is so very good, even if the worst possible case was in my future. After we lost a baby at 5 months I thought I'd never feel joy again. I thought I would die from the pain of delivering and kissing my stillborn baby. I can still picture his sweet face and it stings my heart. But I did live, I did feel unspeakable joy. I knew joy even as we left the hospital that night.
So as I wrestle with thoughts and feelings about the path Marck and I and the kids are walking, I know my faith is unshakable because He is unshakable. Not because of anything I can muster up, but because as I shake my fist yet again and say "It's not fair!!", He says " I know, but trust Me. I've got this."
My very wise husband said to me yesterday, " I try not to worry about any of it because I will never be prepared for any of it till it comes." So true. I will not ever be ready to deliver a baby and have her whisked away to surgery. I will never be prepared to feel the effects of cancer returning. I will never be prepared for any roller coaster ride that life throws my way. But God is. He already knows and is prepared. That is good enough for me.