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Saturday, October 5, 2013

Pride Comes Before Sleepless Nights

Our favorite way to sleep
" Just think honey, she'll be sleeping through the night before she even gets home!". Famous last words I spoke to my hubby while 6 months pregnant with our sweet baby girl. We knew she was destined to be in the NICU and likely be in there for at least 3 months. Not awesome. However if you spend a minute in Weir,Tx you know we are prone to look at the sunny side of life. There it was, the proverbial silver lining in an otherwise crap situation.

Miracle of all miracles tiny girl was home in one month and one day! Awesome!! Un-awesome was that we had to wake her every TWO hours. Never mind that I had already been up every night since she was born every 3 hours to pump. It's one thing to nurse a newborn every 3 hours, cuddling your bundle. But to be hooked to a machine like a common cow is not especially fun. Not a schedule in sight for Selah Jane or momma.
At six months we're given the green light to 'let her cry it out and sleep on through the night'....
Oh hell to the no.

First thing miss doctor pants, is I was away from this precious angel for 32 days every single night. I cried many nights missing her. I cried driving home missing her. As far as I could tell there's be no more crying up in here.

Second, little ma'am was so used to getting her tiny belly satisfied every few hours she wasn't buying the "new" routine.
Enter extremely tired me.
Many nights I begged the Lord to help her sleep. Begged people. I prayed night after night, I fasted, I told Him His Word says He gives sleep to those He loves!! Then I was all sassy tantrum about it and said, " fine! I guess You just don't love me then!!".
Can you just see God face palming Himself and shaking His head?

Rocking little girl one night I had a revelation.
I had spent so much time away from her that she AND I needed these quiet moments together. We needed to love on one another, to bond more, to get away from the chaos that comes with Weir,Tx.

I needed time with our Savior to pray over her, to ask for extra grace each morning with my other people.
I needed time with Him in the quiet wee hours of the day to just sit, to hear Him whisper, " I do love you. More than you can even comprehend."

In the past thirteen months I haven't slept more than 4 hours at a time. And that would be a great night ya'll. But I have known the Lord like never before. More than ever I know His ways are not my ways and you know what? They are so much better.

I've stopped praying that she'd sleep. It will come. It did for everyone else. I've since started praying to see His goodness in the midst of the tired days. To see His hand carrying me through another day with joy.

Friday, October 4, 2013

A Baby Changes Everything

I sat down to write this post 3 weeks because my morning had been hilarious with my Wheelie. Twenty one days later I'm back with more perspective on the subject at hand. Perspectives like my older children will grow up ignorant, and at the very least my little guy may never learn to read.

This year for HS we have a 7th grader, 5th, 2nd and the ever exciting kindergarten!! Let's here it for chewing crayons and sniffing paste! Except that's not the over all expectation for our kinders any more. Schooling the babes is really really daunting this year. Did I say daunting? Maybe FREAKING SCARY!! Yes, that sums it up.

Now imagine if you will for a moment adding a charming toddler to that mix. Shazaam! You got yourself a genuine circus. I give you, the morning this post started...

Tiny Koala attached at the hip while cooking oatmeal, for her and myself so I have fuel to feed her later and teach and exercise and wash clothes and cook meals and and and and...

Tiny Koala grabbing at legs after eating because she is now petrified of the cat. Super.

Take Tiny Koala into bathroom to play while I attempt a shower, and maybe just maybe get my hairs did for the day.

TK screams at the door because, unbeknownst to me, I'm now in a vortex of terror and might not ever come out. Babies are so weird.

Finally TK is at peace with the world on account of the fact that she has found the treasure that is my cabinet holding priceless gems such as cotton balls. Ok, babies are weird, and a mite dumb.

Tiny but mighty
Only a few minutes into the hairs doing and TK is wielding a box of razors. Awesome. Meh, their sort of closed with that little plastic thingy, can't be too dangerous.

School time, just. need. to. read. one. chapter. I give the picture you see here..  This day, oh this day.

You might be thinking, "you know what's easier?" Public school. You know what I'm saying right back at you? " damn right it's easier!" You know what else?? It's a hell of a lot cheaper, neater, and less time consuming than my current gig. If I didn't home school my people I could take care of this mischief maker and live in peace with my coffee and scone.
Yep totally a lot of ways this could all be simpler. Except that's not my style. That's not God's style for me.

Recently after whining about a few aches and pains, a "friend" said to me , "well honey that's why God never intended for women to have babies in their forties. Pardon? Did she just say that to my face? I guess she must be right. Except there's the whole God created Selah Jane thing, and I imagine had He not wanted me to have her then He WOULDN"T HAVE CREATED HER YOU MORON!!
People are weird, and at times incredibly dumb.

Life with Selah Jane is different than it was two years ago home schooling. It's crazier, it's louder.  It's longer. It's more wonderful than any of us could ever imagine. Yo'd have to be here to truly enjoy her, and herself.
Sometimes I try to imagine life without Selah, not in the I wish I never had her way. Just the pondering in a grateful I'm amazed she's here way. I can't. I really don't know how we did life without our baby girl.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

I Can't Bear to Part With My Debit Card

It's not what you think! I swear.. I know you think I have some sort of spending issue, or that my hubby has taken control and cut me off, never to spend again. Not. Even. Close. 
October 1st marked a new day in Jen Weir's wallet. After ordering my weekly cuppa, I handed the barista my debit and she politely says, " oh ma'am I'm sorry but this card has expired".  ***gasp*** Drat. I knew I meant to do something last night. Activate my new card for one thing, of which I've had for TWO MONTHS, of which has been sitting on my craft table for TWO MONTHS so I didn't lose it. You might be thinking, wow, procrastinate much?? Well, that's sort of the reason. However in this situation it's a little fuzzy as to why I procras, I mean hesitated, on this activity. 
Handing my old friend over to the shredder it hit me. This rectangle piece of plastic has been with me for 4 years. 
It's first year marked our pioneering into the world of homeschooling, so with my trusty friend I bought countless books, paper, pencils, ect. Second year it traveled to Dallas, innumerable times in order to see oncologists and surgeons on behalf of my son. It was swiped through untold Starbucks as we left these offices, in hopes of getting a little happy cuppa for the long drive home. I bought my son a five dollar loaf of bread from Subway because he needed food after a surgery. Yes, $5, just bread, no sandwich. True story. I bought him nasty peanut butter crackers and over priced juice and a shady gas station somewhere in Dallas for the same reason. In case your wondering, don't they feed you at the hospital, um no, not really, not with out patient procedures. 
Cardy was swiped through gas stations as I realized I was about to run out of gas heading home from, well just about everywhere.  Swiped at the parking garage and the parking valet at the other hospital. During that time great vacations were had. It got swiped at zippy marts along route 66, in desolate places driving through New Mexico and Arizona. The gas station in Barstow that smelled like pee because it was 1000 degrees outside and the plumbing wasn't working as one would hope. 
Cardy's third year in my wallet was spent running to dr's appointments to check out my ever growing belly, carrying Selah Jane. It paid for co-pays and more Starbucks trips.

Wait a minute. Stop reading. This is the worst blog I've ever written. 
Talk about a huge yawn of a blog. There is not a human alive that would relate to this. Ok, from here on out, this is my personal journal let's say. If you wish to contnue, know that you do so being fair warned that you will be bored. Carry on. 

 It's just when I looked at that card today, I flashed through every single rough place we'd been the past 4 years. Every great moment in time as well. For some reason, with this season the rough spots are easier to remember. I grieved all over again the phone call that changed my life. The many phone calls I answered holding my breath. The co-pays I resented paying because it was going for another visit to a scary place. I remembered the Starbucks trips that were filled with untold amounts of tears being wiped away trying to hide from the barista because I had just left my baby girl in the NICU, again, and I missed her so bad my heart ached. I could only had him cardy and pray he didn't ask if my evening was going well.  (barista's, too chatty some days for even me) 
Putting my card back in my wallet before I headed into to see baby girl in case I needed something at that blessed hospital. 
The joy of swiping it at Disney World on our make a wish trip. The anger of using at Target last minute as I realized my son need pull on pants because he'd have a huge gaping wound on his leg from a skin graft. The anticipation of buying Selah Jane's coming home outfit, only to be crushed we'd have to wait a few more days. The elation of using it at Trader Joe's for the first time in Texas!! Gah, can I get a hallelujah for that one?? Used all day long on my 40th birthday, blessing folks with some fun treats and the best birthday gift to me, being used to pay for a precious couple's 57th wedding anniversary dinner.
I didn't always have the same purse. I didn't always carry the same wallet. Hell I didn't even have the same phone.  But I did always have the same red card. Over the past 4 years I've had to pay for things that were bitter and things that were sweet. That card caused a flood of memories that really, no picture could ever capture. Everyday, every place I went, I had that silly card with me.  
Memories are funny. I'm not sentimental. I have a box in my closet high up on a shelf that hold a precious treasure that every once in awhile I dare to let myself look in. The memories in there are still fresh and raw, though they are from another painful time in Weir,Tx. I believe my trusty card might just have to be popped in there to be kept for safe keeping.